Background Noise

by gilligankane

Spoilers: set somewhere after the kiss and before the proposal

AUTHOR'S NOTE: oh, this was fun.


It seems, lately, that each word they say has more meaning than either of them wants to admit; carries more weight than they'll ever say; carries a heaviness Olivia feels on her heart and Natalia feels in her prayers.

Each hello and goodbye really just means I love you and I can't .

And it's been like that for weeks now – months , really, if either of them will own up to it.

All the things they've never said to each other echo behind the words they do say, sounding off in their hearts like loud gongs and ringing in their heads.

Like the white fuzz on the TV – it's always there, even if some picture or show or Dora singing something in Spanish is covering it momentarily.

But it's always there and right before the television is shut off, it's there for just a fraction of a half second: just a constant reminder.

Olivia, sometimes when it's late at night and they're not trying too hard to keep their eyes from straying, can see her words hanging in the air: I'll put together her snack . And right there, hanging off of her words hanging in the air, her heart is dripping: I'll put us together if you give me the chance.

And in the morning, right before Olivia is really awake and they're sitting at the kitchen table and she doesn't have to worry about Frank coming over, see can watch her words cross the kitchen in one stream of air: remember, today is super secret sandwich day . But in the next puff of morning breath, she's speaking again, without really saying anything: remember, today is another day we'll lie to each other .

The looks – they acknowledge the looks.

Olivia stares and Natalia looks away and then Natalia stares and Olivia looks away and it's a game they play and it works for now, because they don't actually put a name to it, they don't actually call it falling in love .

As long as they don't talk about it, it's okay, and it just festers between them, growing and growing until each word, and each sentence they speak means something else.

Alright, I'll do that becomes let's pretend this moment never happened.

Just let me help you becomes I only want to make you happy.

I'll pick Emma up becomes I want to stay with you forever.

Are you coming home tonight becomes I'll leave Frank if you just tell me you love me.

Yeah, well I can do that on my own becomes God, if you leave me I'll break.

Want me to help with dinner becomes this is the family I've always wanted.

It's the background noise to the soundtrack of their life: the sounds on the CD that can't be heard by everyone, but only to the people that matter; the sounds they hear in the silence of the coffeemaker and the snarky comments and in between the Rosary.

Hello becomes I love you .

Goodbye becomes I can't .

And it's a never-ending cycle of words and non-words and Natalia looks away when Olivia starts to stare and it just hangs there, the words, like they're waiting for someone to pull them out of the air.

Olivia looks away when Natalia starts to stare and the words they don't say just wait for them.

And wait.