This Time Around

by Tempest

Timeline: Starts with the return of Olivia from San Francisco after the spa trip. 

"Hi Olivia, it's me.  Please call me back. It's not an emergency or anything. Everything's fine, Emma's doing great. Umm…I just… I know what we said at the spa and everything...but it's really kind of hard here without you. So I guess I just…I really want you to come home."

Those words had been bobbing up and down in marshes of Olivia's mind for the entire trip back from San Francisco. She was concerned by the tone of Natalia's voice. It was evident in the tremor and the rush of those last words that something had shaken her.

“It's really kind of hard here…”

The fear in her voice, it sounded like it had a grasp around her throat and it was slowly tightening its grip. Or maybe she was just projecting that because she knew the feeling all too well herself. But if she was being honest it was Natalia's fear that worried her the most. Throughout the evolution of their relationship the one thing that Olivia became fascinated with was the innate reciprocity of it, the give and take, yin and yang,. It was such a wonderful balance and it made her feel whole and complete in a way she never knew before.

Of course she fought it at first. But throw in a weak heart and even the most stalwart of people will cry ‘uncle' when they feel that rapid constriction and expansion in their chest. Natalia, for reasons Olivia would never understand, became her keystone, the one person she let in to help her remove her armor and let her wounds breathe. And she was there, every time. Even when Olivia's persistent pride wouldn't allow her to be gracious about it, Natalia was still there. Then something changed and Olivia found herself asking more of her not because she needed Natalia, but because she believed she was capable of something more. Somehow it stopped just being about Olivia's heart and it became a partnership in the truest sense of the word. And so they pushed each other to be more, to be better and stronger. Together they kicked and fought against the daily deluge of tribulations, so much so that it felt as though they had created a tide of their own that lifted them both to a higher place where nothing could touch them as long as they stood together. That's how it was.

But ever since they made their admissions, ever since they decided to cross over the line from friendship to something more their balance was off. Suddenly the burden of bearing the weight of their situation started to shift more and more to Olivia and she feared that she was not strong enough to carry the weight of it all on her own. She was the one who had to ask the tough questions, she was the one who had to usher them along before they got stuck in state of platonic purgatory. But most of all she was the one who had to see Natalia's look of discomfort when started those tough conversations and she was the one who had feel like a drug pusher in a school yard when all she wanted was to tell the woman she loved how beautiful she is without getting a look of panic in return.

This was different, so very different than any experience with a man. With men everything was so easy. Their needs were simple and Olivia knew she had what they needed in spades. There was a very simple cause and effect relationship between her and the male species. She caused their knees to go weak and that effectively gave her all the power and control to say and do whatever she wanted with them. But that wasn't the case now. Every trick, every game plan, every instinct was useless, because it meant nothing to one person who meant everything to her.

Olivia didn't see this coming and she was scared. Because what could be more scary than finding the one thing you wanted most in this world only to realize that you might not be good enough for it.

And so a question remains. Who is Olivia Spencer?

Shaking her head out of her revelry she directed the driver to stop the car in front of Towers. Hesitantly she opened the car door and stepped out into the cool spring night air. Maybe she doesn't know who she is now, but she knew who she was then and her old self would have strutted into Towers right about now and numbed herself with a few cocktails instead of being plagued with introspective thoughts that accomplished nothing.

She was drawn out of her thoughts by the sound of the driver's door opening.

“Shall I get your bags Ms. Spencer?”

Olivia paused.

No, she may be confused about so many things, but she knew enough to know she wasn't that woman anymore. And so she turned to respond to the driver's query, but before she could another voice jumped into the mix.

“Already back to jet-setting and life in the fast lane, Olivia? That didn't take too long did it?”

A familiar figure came out of the shadows and into the light of the street lamps. His face was still marred from his previous bout, his eyes still filled with anger and regret.

“Frank?” The tone of her voice made evident her apprehension. She looked to the driver, who was eyeing Frank suspiciously, and turned to him to say,

“I'll just be moment and then we can go.”

He nodded his head in understanding and stepped back into the driver's seat and closed the door.

“So what happened? Did you get bored? Did playing house with Natalia lose its charm once all the competition was out of the way?”

“Frank, please I'm so sorry, but I think it would be best if we did this some other time.” She turned to get back into the car, but was halted by Frank's harsh tone.

“Well, good thing for me I don't really give a damn about what you think anymore.”

He started to move closer, close enough for her to smell the liquor on his breath and even though this was ‘Frankie Cooper' her instincts kicked in and she started to look for easy exits.

He stopped about a foot in front of her and trapped her in his stare.

“You may have fooled Natalia because she's too good and innocent to see through your games, but you don't fool me Olivia. I know who are, I've got the scars to prove it.”

He place both his hands on the roof of the car on each side of Olivia, leaned into her right ear, and spoke in a deep tone that was both pained and righteous.

“But I promise you the day will come when the wolf in sheep's clothing will be revealed and Natalia will run as far from you as she can.”

Olivia closed her eyes at those words as if by doing so it would steel her mind from their truth. She felt him slowly pull back from her and she opened her eyes only to feel the warmth of her fresh tears on her cheeks.

“You're a predator Olivia, through and through, and nothing is safe once you set your sights on it.” And with those words Frank Cooper walked off into the night.

Moments passed and she did not move. Stunned, like a drugged animal, her feet remained planted firmly to the ground. This was the second time it happened. The second time she was on the receiving end of a verbal lashing from Frank Cooper and she just stood there like a whipping post. She didn't even put up a fight.

‘Who are you, Olivia Spencer?'

**************************************** ****************************************

Pulling up to the farm house Olivia felt an odd mixture of both elation and trepidation and the cognitive dissonance caused by those conflicting feelings was starting to set in. She exited the car and the driver took out her luggage and set it on the porch. She extended her hand to offer a tip and watched as the car's taillights faded as he drove away.

Olivia stood on the porch in silence, waiting for an impulse to initiate her motor functions. But then the sudden burst of light from the porch light brought her out of her stupor and made visible the sight of a petite brunette making her way through the doorway with a happy but hesitant look on her face. The woman opened the screen door and held it open with her right hand while she leaned her body against the side making room for Olivia to enter on her left. Natalia broke of the silence.

“Hey you.”

Olivia stayed motionless, taking the time to let the feeling of the moment set in, the feeling of coming home. The feeling of coming home to someone who was waiting patiently in her living room, looking out for the light from a car's headlights as it pulled into the driveway to signal to her that Olivia had come home. The thought put a smile on her face and it didn't go unnoticed as Natalia quickly reciprocated.

Olivia replied, “Hey yourself.”

Natalia broke her gaze and started to focus on the suddenly fascinating contraption on her fleece called a zipper. That seemed to be happening a lot lately whenever she was alone with Olivia; a sudden fascination with innocuous things like the little pieces of plastic at the ends of shoelaces and fringes on a sweater. Then she turned her attention back to Olivia and after getting a good look at her in the porch light Natalia commented, “You look tired.”

Olivia smiled, “Isn't ‘you look tired' just a euphemism for ‘you look terrible'?”

“Only if you don't care enough about the person to realize that generally if someone looks terrible it's usually because they're tired…for one reason or another”

“So that's a yes to the ‘terrible' then?

“It's a no and it's me asking you to get inside so I can make you some coffee so you can relax.”

Olivia sighed in defeat but still she didn't move.

“Why don't you bring it out here? We can finally enjoy the porch without having to wrap ourselves in fifty layers of down.” Olivia made her way over the porch bench and sat down and sighed. If Natalia were a betting woman she would have said that it sounded more like a sigh of frustration than of exhaustion, but she wasn't going to push the issue. Instead she was going to make the coffee that she promised. But as she turned to go inside she noticed out of the corner of her eye Olivia drop her head into hands and cover her face. Something wasn't right.

Natalia made her way over to her side and she kneeled down so that she was looking up at Olivia who was now sitting upright with her hands at her sides. She placed her hand on Olivia's upper arm, rubbing it up and down in an effort to offer some comfort.

“Hey, what's wrong?

Olivia immediately raised her head and subtly shrugged off Natalia's hand as she got up from the bench to put some space between them. She walked to the other side of the porch and ran her fingers through her hair.

“Nothing. It's nothing.”

Natalia huffed at her attempted to convince her otherwise, “It's not nothing…it's definitely something.”

Olivia put her hands in her pockets and balled them into fists. This wasn't what she wanted, but she was tired and didn't have the energy for pretense. “Okay it's something. Something I don't feel like talking about so why don't we just change the subject and talk about something else.”

“Like what?”

“I don't know Natalia, how about the abnormally high pollen count this spring or this swine flu outbreak…those are nice sterile topics that won't topple this house of cards we've built for ourselves.” And with those words she winced, knowing now full well why she had originally planned to wait to see Natalia until the morning.

“House of cards?” Natalia's voice was childlike and her doe eyes took on the look of a wounded animal. She looked at Olivia, wondering how this home they created was now a ‘house of cards.'

Olivia felt her stare and did her best to deflect. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Are you drunk?”

Olivia laughed at the incredulousness of that question. “Am I drunk? Um, are you high? Where did that question come from?”

“From the way you're speaking to me? I'm hoping that there's some explanation for it other than you wanting to hurt me.”

“I'm not trying to hurt you. All I asked was if we could change the subject and to be honest I didn't really think you would have a problem with it since ‘duck and parry' is one of your signature moves.'

Natalia hung her head in disappointment. “Okay, well that answers one question. Now I know you're trying to hurt me.”

Olivia turned away to look out on to the front yard. Images flooded her mind of a snowman being built and a snowball fight with Emma and Natalia who and pummeled her with packed snow. The memories were every where she looked.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry…I'm just, I'm just tired and don't want to talk right now.”

“Well that's not good enough.”

Olivia turned on her heels upon hearing those words. Natalia stood in front of her with arms crossed in front of her chest and her right leg leading out in front of her left. Olivia laughed on the inside. She envisioned herself two years ago and what she would have said then. But she pulled back just enough to get out a more generic response.

“Excuse me?”

Natalia stood her ground, even though she could see the old Olivia start to take shape in the green eyes she stared into. “That's not good enough. What affects you affects me, it affects our family. You can't run and hide when you feel like it. We have to be honest wi-“

Olivia cut her off before she could finish, “Run and hide?”

“Yes.”

And she felt it, the blood surging in her veins and the words came out without consideration “Run and Hide! Now you're telling me that I can't ‘run and hide'. All I do now is hide, Natalia, and trust me, I don't do it for me. And….” She cut herself off before she went too far.

“And what? Olivia, we said we weren't going to do this anymore, we weren't going to fight just because it's safer.”

Olivia squatted to the ground and pinched the bridge of her nose while trying to maintain a sense of calm that was against all her instincts at the moment. “I'm not fighting with you.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, Natalia, I'm not.”

Natalia made her way over to Olivia and stood right in front of her. “Then what is this?”

Olivia looked up at Natalia and stood up to match her stare. “This,” and she motioned with her hands to herself, “is a very tired person who just wants to-”

“Who wants to hide instead of talk!” Natalia interjected.

“You don't get it Natalia, I'm not hiding. I'm fading away!” Olivia's voice cracked and she felt all composure slip from her grasp. The emotion welled up in her chest and her chin began to quiver as she tried hold back the tears that were threatening to fall.

Natalia moved closer and reached out, “Olivia?”

But Olivia avoided her embrace. “Don't.”

Natalia drew back her arms and covered her mouth with her hand. She shook her head in confusion trying to understand what had happened since the last time they saw each other to make Olivia act this way. “You're scaring me.”

Olivia avoided eye contact with Natalia, kicking her feet against the porch fence post as she mumbled under her breath. “Join the club.”

Then she turned around and saw the hurt in Natalia's eyes. The brunette was rubbing the back of her neck with hand, a nervous tick that Olivia had picked up on a while ago. She saw her eyes start well with tears and the sight pulled on her battered heart too much for her to hold on to her reticence.

“I saw Frank, on my way back tonight”

Natalia's eyes immediately connected with hers. “You saw Frank? That's where this is coming from? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry if he hurt you?”

“That's not your fault.”

“Yes it is. If I had been honest with myself, with you, with him…but I wasn't and now so many people are hurting. Especially the one I care about most.” Natalia raised her hand and wiped away the tears freely flowing down Olivia's face.

Olivia closed her eyes tight trying not to take comfort in her gesture and shrugged her head away from the small, gentle hand cupping her check.

“Please, stop.”

She moved to edge of the porch and stared out into the darkness. She shook her head and berated herself for coming to the farmhouse. She felt Natalia move behind her.

“Olivia, please…What did he say?”

“Nothing I didn't deserve.”

“Please don't say things like that.”

“Like what?”

“Things that sound like you're giving up. He doesn't know you. He doesn't know us.”

Olivia turned and stared down at the smaller woman. “And you do? Who are we, Natalia? Hmm? Who are we, what are we?”

“We're together, we're real.”

“You know what? I'm gonna need a magnifying glass for that statement because it's a bit too vague and fuzzy for me to make it out on my own.”

“So is this who you are then? Someone who mocks the person who-“

"The ‘person' who what, Natalia?"

Natalia raised her arms in frustration and smacked them down on the sides of her thighs “Why are you pushing this? We said we were going to figure it out, that we would work it out.”

“God! You won't even say the words…Not that I can blame you really. I don't think there is even a word for what we are. Partner, girlfriend, lover? No, definitely not that last one.”

“Is that what this is really about? This is about…about se-”

Natalia stumbled over the word and Olivia finished it for her. “Sex? You can say it; it won't rot your teeth. And no, actually, that's not what this is about.”

Natalia stepped back and took a moment to really look at the woman in front of her. She saw Olivia's craven, unsteady stance and it told her everything. She was hurting, her best friend was hurting. So she moved in slowly and lowered her head to catch the eye of the woman who was burning a hole in the porch with her stare. Softly she placed her hand under Olivia's chin gently lifting it to her line of sight. Looking her in the eye she pleaded. “Tell me please, what is this about? Olivia, we made a promise. We promised we'd always be friends and friends don't do this to each other. Talk to me. Please.”

Olivia whimpered “I don't know how.”

Natalia smiled through her own tears and said “The beginning is always a good place to start.”

Olivia smiled and felt her body start to relax and phase out of its ‘fight or flight' mode. Natalia noticed the change and took her by the hand back to the porch bench. Holding on to her hand she sat down, guiding the other woman down with her.

Olivia looked down at their hands intertwined and started. “When I told you I loved you do you remember what I said about why I didn't want to tell you?”

Natalia nodded her head in confirmation. “Because you were afraid of what your love might do to me, how it would ask me to change.”

“And that's what made me push you to Frank. But I never really got to thinking past that, I never really thought about how your love would change me, not like this” Olivia took a deep and a moment to call up the memory that had started this all. She continued, “When we were away together I woke up in the middle of the night. I got up to get some water and when I looked over at you I felt my heart stop. The moonlight was coming in through the window and there you were bathed in it and Emma was sleeping like a little angel right next to you and I realized something in that moment.”

“What?”

“That if some harbinger of fate or fairy godmother tapped me on the shoulder and told me she could guarantee that I could spend the rest of my life with you, but it would never be more than what we are now, I'd sign on the dotted line in a minute. I wouldn't give it a second thought. I'd live a life of half truths and hidden moments if it meant I could be with you. And that scares the hell out of me Natalia, because that's not who I am. I don't live in the shadows.”

Natalia cupped Olivia's face with her right hand forcing the other woman to look her at as she spoke. “Is that what you think I want for us?

Olivia shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. “I don't know…I don't know. How can I when every time I bring up the subject you look like a deer caught in headlights. And so I do a little side shuffle to disengage because I'm so afraid of making you feel uncomfortable. So much so that I feel like all I do these days is dodge land mines. It's taking all the strength I have to not to make a wrong move and I don't know how long I can keep this up.

I worked my whole life to become a person who wouldn't let anyone else control me with fear. That's what I know. When someone thinks they can put me under their thumb out of fear or shame, I show them what the phrase ‘fuck you' really means.”

“And now?”

“And now…I don't know. When Frank started in on me…I didn't even put up a fight, I just let him tear me to shreds and I felt so small. I'm so scared that I'm losing myself, so scared that all these parts of me that defined me are starting to fade away and I don't know how to hold on because if I do then I'm going to lose you instead and the idea of losing you scares me more than anything.”

“I'm so sorry, Olivia. I never wanted to-”

“Don't. You don't owe me an apology.”

“I do. I do, because I've taken advantage of you, of who you are.”

“I don't understand.”

“I am scared too. I'm scared of what I feel when I'm with you. Before, everything was so simple. I just loved being with you and with Emma. I loved this family we created. And that was as much as I could admit and for a while it was enough. And then one day, the day that the beeper for your pacemaker went wonky something happened. Things stopped being simple and became very complicated.”

“Because?”

“Because you were lying there and you were so peaceful, so vulnerable…so beautiful and suddenly it wasn't just about us being a family and having a home and a routine that felt safe and familiar…It was about a woman who is so beautiful in all the ways that matter and all the ways that don't and how if I could just kiss her…kiss you…” Natalia paused and let the moment wash over her. “…and I almost did. I never felt that before, a need like that. To need something, to want it so much that everything else just melts away. When I'm near you, when we're alone, and everything else is quiet that feeling comes back so strong and I know in those moments that I would give up all that I am just to be with you…but I'm so scared because what if that means giving up parts of myself that have been the source of all my strength., what if it means that this ‘need' will be the end of everything I've ever known and needed before.”

Olivia squeezed their clasped hands seeing for the first time that their fears were same. They were both mourning for the parts they had to let go so they could move ahead, together.

Natalia continued, “So I tried to keep us where it's safe, less complicated. And in doing so I took advantage of you because I know how much you love me and I know that your love is patient and kind and I used it to avoid that unsafe feeling and I'm so sorry because it almost robbed you of who you are.”

“And who am I, Natalia?”

Natalia looked at their hands. She ran her thumb over the soft skin covering the top of Olivia's hand, appreciating the contrast between the softness of its exterior and the strength that resided within it.

“You're the woman I love and she doesn't live in the shadows.” Natalia stood up and extended her hand to Olivia. “Please come inside.”

Olivia acquiesced, still knowing that more needed to be said, but content that for now it was enough. She bent down to pick up her bag only to have it snatched from her grasp by the smaller woman's hand. Their eyes met and Natalia smiled and said,

“It's okay. Let me take it from here.”

II

Olivia had a feeling that the warmth she felt as she entered the farmhouse had little to do with the slowly dying embers in the fireplace and more to do with the woman who was making her way into the kitchen to make them some coffee.

‘So this is what it feels like to come home.'

And like everything else between her and Natalia the feeling was both new and yet familiar. And it was all so simple. All these simple gestures and simple moments that somehow started to mean more to her than any expensive gift or five-star getaway ever could. It was a pretty astounding thought actually, to realize that the reason you never found that one thing you were searching for your whole life was because you were looking for it in the complete opposite direction of where it always had been.

The smell of coffee being brewed interrupted her thoughts. She was still tired, but the anxiety leading up to her arrival had dissipated and now she felt a calm wash over her. She picked up her luggage at the base of the stairs and made her way up the second floor to check in on a little girl she missed very much. She stopped at Emma's door and gently opened it. The light from the hallway gave just enough illumination to make out the figure of her daughter without disturbing her slumber. She approached Emma's bed and knelt down to lightly stroke her face.

“There's my girl…Mama missed you. Sweet dreams, baby.”

********


Downstairs Natalia waited patiently as the coffee brewed. She started to replay in her mind everything that just happened. Part of her really wanted to hit herself for not seeing what she was doing sooner. But denial is a powerful force and she was beginning to see how capable she was of lying to herself and it did not sit well with her. Then she thought about Olivia and how one of things she loved most about her was her honesty. Sometimes it was brutal honesty, but she admired it all the same. When she first started working for her she appreciated that honesty because could take pride in any compliment she received since Olivia didn't say things for the sake of propriety. It made her feel secure, even then.

And then she felt a tug on her heart as she remembered Olivia's outburst.

‘You don't get it Natalia, I'm not hiding. I'm fading away!”

Remembering the look on Olivia's face when she said those words made her heart constrict. Knowing that her own fears almost cost Olivia a part of herself was tearing her up inside. That her actions or inactions had caused Olivia to question her identity made her ashamed. At the same time she couldn't help but be taken aback by Olivia's devotion. To think that Olivia Spencer had admitted that she was willing to commit to a veiled platonic life with her was beyond anything she would have expected. And knowing Olivia's history in Springfield made it even more shocking.

When Natalia first got to Springfield she learned quickly about Olivia's reputation. The extent of her powers of persuasion with the male gender was known to all, as well her penchant for life in the limelight. And it made sense. Olivia was a raw person and she followed her instincts without question and her desire without shame. But the fact that Olivia thought that she would have to let go of that part of herself, that she would have to neuter her passion to be with Natalia, was absurd and only signified how much her inscrutable behavior had tormented Olivia.

No. A platonic life with Olivia was not what she wanted, nor a life locked away from the rest of Springfield. More than anything she wanted a real life with Olivia. She wanted to hold hands on the street as they window-shopped, she wanted to have a picnic and rest her head in Olivia's lap as she ran her fingers through her hair… She wanted to discover if Olivia's lips were as soft and inviting as they looked. Natalia felt the heat in her cheeks as that last thought marinated in her mind.

But she would be lying if she said it was easy to admit that to herself, to acknowledge that the desire she was feeling was for another woman. And yet she believed that if Olivia were a man she would still be hesitant, because it was the force of her feelings that really unnerved her, not just the fact they were directed at a woman. It was so overwhelming and she needed time to get used to the power of the emotions coursing through her veins. She needed the time so she wouldn't be so afraid of what came next. And in order to do that she just needed to be around Olivia more.

So there really was only one thing to do.

Natalia brought the cups of coffee into the living room that was surprisingly empty. She set the coffee cups on the table and went up the stairs.

********


Olivia made her way out of Emma's room and over to her own. She flipped on the light switch and dropped her bag. On the night table she noticed something new, a framed picture of herself and Natalia. She went over to the bed, reached out for the picture and sat down. It must have been taken by Emma on the sly because they both looked as though they were completely unaware. In the picture they were facing each other on the couch, caught mid-laugh. Olivia smiled and tried to recall the memory. Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of footsteps and a familiar voice.

“You spilled champagne on yourself.”

Olivia turned to the sight of Natalia in her doorway. “What?”

Natalia nodded toward the picture frame in Olivia's hand. “The picture. It was New Year's and we were about to drink champagne and then you made this big stink about not drinking your champagne without a strawberry in it and I called you a snob and you said you weren't a snob, you were refined and so you got a strawberry and dropped it in the glass.” Natalia started to giggle as she remembered what came next, “but then you went to drink it and I guess the strawberry got a little stuck or something because the champagne just spilled all over you and then the strawberry popped out and hit you in the face.”

Olivia smirked as the memory came back to her. “And you said, ‘Well if that isn't refined, I don't know what is.' That's great, I'm so happy I can relive that moment over and over now.”

Natalia chuckled, “Oh, you don't fool me Ms. Spencer. I bet you love that Emma took that picture as much as I do.”

Olivia smiled at that comment, placed the picture back on the night table and made her way over to Natalia. She flicked off the light switch and stopped just at the doorway so that half her body was lit by the hallway light and the other was in shadow.

Olivia aimed her head down at the floor, but aimed her eyes up at Natalia and replied, “Oh yeah and why is that, Ms. Rivera?”

Natalia, suddenly hyper aware of their proximity, scratched the back of her neck and tried to compose herself before she spoke so that her voice didn't crack like a prepubescent boy.

“Because it shows how you are here. You know, without all the glitz and glamour. No masks, no armor.”

Olivia huffed lightly and kicked Natalia's left foot with her right. “You think you know me that well?”

Natalia straightened up at the question and looked directly at Olivia. She reached out and took Olivia's hand and turned it over so the palm was facing up. She traced the lines with her fingers and replied. “Sometimes.”

Olivia smiled knowing that what was implied by that statement belied the simplicity and brevity of it. She pushed herself off the door and walked backward into the hallway, extending her hand that was still being held by Natalia.

“Really, princess? So, what am I thinking now, hmmmm?”

Natalia smiled at the term of endearment and was pretty certain that a pinkish hue was covering her cheeks for Olivia to see.

“Right now? Um, let me see.” Natalia closed her eyes tight and placed the finger tips of her free hand against her temple while feigning a look of deep concentration. “You're thinking, I hope Natalia and Emma baked some cookies so I can have one with my freshly brewed coffee.”

Natalia peeked open one eye to look at Olivia to gauge her reaction. Olivia smiled and laughed at the other woman's ‘prescient' powers and her very cute mock concentration face. “Wow! That is impressive. We need to get you a crystal ball, some tarot cards and put you to work!” She pulled Natalia along toward the stairs. “Come'on you witchy-woman. You know I can't resist your cookies.”

Natalia smiled and shrugged her shoulders saying, “Nobody can.”

********

“You know, if you keep feeding me like this we won't have to worry about the world outside and its opinion of us because I won't be able to fit through the door to actually get outside.” Olivia laughed and took a sip of her coffee to wash down the remnants of Emma and Natalia's buttery-sugary treats.

Natalia raised her hand in objection and replied, “Not if we make an effort to exercise to balance it.”

“Oh really, are you going to start coming to the gym with me now?”

Natalia scrunched her face and shook her head. “Um, no. But I think now that the weather is getting nice, maybe if we make a habit of going on a walk every night after dinner…” Natalia's voice started to trail off as she started to lose her nerve to ask the question she really wanted to ask.

Olivia raised her eyebrows in confusion. “Every night?”

Natalia, busy making shredded strips of paper from her napkin, passively replied. “Yeah. Which I realize would be a lot of back and forth for you so the only logical solution is for you to move back in here.”

Olivia was taken aback by that statement. “Natalia-” But before she could get a word in Natalia interjected.

“Wait. Look, I know that sounds a bit off base considering the conversation we just had and the whole ‘one step at a time' thing we are trying to stick to but it makes sense. While you were gone Emma was talking about how much better it was when we were taking care of her together and she's right. Everything was better. This is where you belong, the both of you.”

Olivia got up from the table and leaned back against the countertop next to the stove. She ran her fingers through her hair and blew out her breath, trying very hard to consider her response to this delicate question.

Natalia chewed on her bottom lip and looked up at Olivia from her seat at the table waiting anxiously with an expectant expression on her face. “Sooooo…silence. Not really what I was hoping for when I tossed that suggestion out there.”

Olivia replied, “I'm thinking, I'm trying to-”

“Thinking's good. As long as it's good thinking, not bad thinking…it's good thinking right, not the-”

“Natalia!”

“Sorry.”

Olivia laughed and rubbed her forehead. Natalia looked so adorable right then that it was hard to get annoyed. Her puppy eyes were looking up at her and she had an anxious look on her face that reminded her of the first time Emma had asked for a sleep over at her friend's house. She made her way back to the table, sat down and rested her head in the palm of her hand.

“Natalia.”

“Yes.”

“We can't.”

Natalia hung her head in disappointment. She was not expecting flat out rejection. After all, she thought Olivia wanted her to show her commitment to their relationship. She hoped by asking that she would see that Natalia did not expect Olivia to always be the one who was at the wheel. That she would do her part in moving them forward too. But now she was just back to being confused.

Olivia watched the emotions play out over Natalia's face. She reached out and took Natalia's hands into hers.

“Natalia, please look at me.” Natalia looked up so that she was returning Olivia's stare. “It means so much to me that you asked me that and trust me when I say that there is a very loud and bordering on belligerent voice in my head telling me to just shut my mouth and call over to the Beacon and get them to start packing my stuff right now.”

“But.” Natalia replied.

“But, I honestly think that would be the worst thing for us right now.”

“Why?”

“Because instead of moving forward we would just go back into our old routine.”

Natalia let the words sink in and tried to see their merit. In her head she had so many responses, so many objections for Olivia. After all, she spent most of time while waiting for Olivia to return coming up with a solid argument to convince her to move back in. But looking into Olivia's eyes she couldn't voice it.

Natalia nodded her head in agreement. “And then we would never get past where we are now.”

“Right.”

“I'm sorry, I just…I just miss this, I miss us. I mean you were gone for a couple of days and I couldn't even handle that. I had call to you and ask you to come back.”

Olivia sat up and replied. In the midst of all their drama she had almost forgotten the whole reason that she left San Francisco so abruptly. “Yeah, about that. You want to tell me what got you so rattled?”

Natalia shook her head and whimpered like a child. “Not particularly.”

Olivia giggled and replied. “Tell you what. Why don't I go and get the fire going again and while I do that you can refill our cups of coffee, which are probably cold by now, and gather your thoughts. Meet me in there when you're ready and then you can tell me, okay?”

Natalia nodded. “Okay.”

Olivia gave Natalia's hand a gentle squeeze and then made her way into the living room.

*********

“Look at that; one cozy fire, as promised.” Olivia smiled and pointed at her accomplishment from her seat on the couch. “Behold my many talents.”

Natalia laughed, placing the mugs on the coffee table, and took a seat next to Olivia. “Well, looks like we found a chore you can actually carry out.”

Olivia sniggered at that comment. “Yeah, well, lucky for me spring is here and cozy fire season is at its end. So there goes that idea.”

Natalia laughed and then paused before saying suggestively, “Well then we'll just have to find another way to utilize your many talents won't we?”

Olivia's eyes widened and she took a moment to process Natalia's words. Did she just flirt with her? She looked over to see Natalia was avoiding eye contact with Olivia and sipping her coffee innocently.

Olivia smiled and reached for her cup on the table, happy to engage in a little tease. “Well, like I said I have many. Could take a while to go through them all and figure out which ones would be best suited for your needs.”

“Oh really?” Natalia smiled and turned her head to look at Olivia straight on. She looked as though she was about to keep their light banter going, but then her face turned somber and turned away.

Olivia put the cup back on the table and put her hand on Natalia's shoulder to get her attention, afraid that she might have said something wrong. “Hey, where'd you just go?”

Natalia shook her head as if to dismiss her own solemn thoughts. “You wouldn't happen to have anything in your bag of tricks to help with the guilt from getting a stern talking to from the father of the groom you left at the altar?

Olivia raised her head and rolled her eyes. So it would seem they were both on the receiving end of the Cooper wrath. She looked over at Natalia and saw tears forming in her eyes.

“You know what? I have something just for that actually.”

Natalia wiped away her tears and replied. “Really?'

“Yup.”

Olivia reached out to Natalia and ushered her body over to her own, wrapping her arm around Natalia so that she was cradling her at her side then guided her head to rest on her shoulder. Natalia leaned into the embrace, welcoming the comfort that Olivia offered and slipped her free arm around Olivia's waist.

Olivia rested her arm on Natalia's back and started to gently stroke her hair. “Feel better?”

Natalia took a deep breath and sighed, “Feels like home.”

III

Natalia had a feeling that the warmth she was feeling had little to do with the newly lit fire and everything to do with the woman holding her. It was in moments like this that everything made sense; everything was as it should be. In this moment it was hard to imagine why she denied her feelings for so long. This was where she belonged and this was where she needed to be. All the questions about right and wrong faded away as she realized that those concepts have no place in such a moment. All that existed was the bond, the connection that brought and kept them together. Entwined and interlaced, no beginning, no end. In this moment she understood the weight of the word ‘together' and welcomed all that came with it.

And so in this moment the farmhouse became a magical place and as the clock struck twelve it became their sanctuary. No one else could enter, no one could disturb them. This hour was theirs alone and a part of Natalia wished it would never end.

But of course nothing is that simple. A world existed outside the farmhouse walls and it would demand an explanation for their actions and it would make them suffer consequences for the choices they made. Those consequences danced in a ritualistic circle around the house, casting shadow puppets through the windows onto the walls, threatening to invade their sanctuary at any minute.

Natalia was driven out of her maudlin reflections by the gentle caress of Olivia's fingers combing through her hair.

Olivia nuzzled the top of Natalia's head placing a gentle kiss there before questioning, “So, are you ready to tell me about your run in with the Cooper patriarch?”

Natalia squeezed her eyes shut as if to freeze time and avoid reliving that uncomfortable moment. She sighed, nodded her head and pulled away from their embrace to sit upright. She brushed her bangs to the side and replied, “I shouldn't have made such a big deal out of it. It was bound to happen and it just caught me by surprise.”

“Well, did he say anything…” Olivia paused trying to find the right word. “…inappropriate?”

Natalia scrunched her head in confusion and then her eyes widened in understanding.

“Oh gosh, no. No. He just, he just said what he needed to say…I deserved it, considering.”

“Natalia, why don't you leave the self-flogging for later and start with how it happened.”

Natalia smirked at the ‘self-flogging' comment and swatted Olivia's knee for her cavalier comment.

“I ran into him at the market. I was picking up baking supplies and he was there and I told him how sorry I was about everything.”

“And he didn't want to hear it?”

“Well, I guess he felt that ‘I'm sorry' wasn't really going to cover it.”

Olivia hung her head in understanding. “Okay. I get that.”

Natalia drew back with confusion. “You do?”

Olivia looked at the furrowed brow and eyes filled with consternation staring back at her and took a breath before continuing. “Yeah, I mean, the woman he thought was about to be his daughter-in-law tells him that she's sorry she left his son at the altar, but she's in love with her maid of honor…” She stopped mid-sentence as she noticed Natalia's face transform from a stern to solemn. Natalia averted her eyes and started to pull on a piece of fabric from the couch cushion.

Olivia smirked once she discerned the reason for the change. “You didn't tell him about us.” She pushed off the couch and walked over to the mantle, resting her forearm on its edge and pinched the bridge of her nose. She felt it, the weight shifting to her again.

Natalia's gaze followed Olivia as she walked away. She could see Olivia start to shut down and she immediately replied before she lost her completely.

“Wait. Don't do that, okay? ”

“Don't do what, Natalia.”

“Don't mentally check out on me because you think this means something more than it does.”

Olivia laughed at her response. “Check out? Natalia, I'm not checking out. I'm just trying to figure out how big of a bull dozer I'm going to need to plow through this same damn wall that keeps popping up on us.”

“Please don't make jokes.”

“Well, I'm sorry, but I have to because if I don't I'll start to cry and frankly I'm too damn tired to start up the waterworks.”

Natalia walked over to Olivia and waited for her to make eye contact before she replied.

“Look, I know that it seems like I'm avoiding the inevitable, but honestly, Olivia, it's not that. I was just caught off-guard. One minute I'm walking down the grocery aisle, thinking about making cookies and then I'm remembering how you said you would be out there thinking about me and Emma making cookies, wishing you were with us and that made me realize about how much I missed you already…suddenly I had this big grin on my face because I realized how nice it was to just be able to admit to myself how much I missed you and not be scared by what that means. It felt so good that I practically had to stop myself from skipping down the aisle.”

Olivia laughed at that image and smiled in return. She knew the feeling. If there was one word she never thought would aptly describe her it was ‘giddy.' And yet, these days that adjective was popping up more and more in her internal monologues. But really there was no other word for it. The short time that she was away she found herself getting lost in her thoughts: ‘Natalia would love this…Natalia would love that…If Natalia were here she would say this.' No, she was no stranger to the feeling. It was absurd really. Just over a year ago she was pulling out every manipulative trick in the book to steal Natalia's husband and now she was day dreaming about baking cookies with her. Cookies for Pete's sake!

Olivia looked into Natalia's expectant eyes and replied, “Skipping, huh.”

Natalia's cheeks flushed. “Yeah. Until-”

Olivia interjected, “Until you hit a big ol' Greek stone wall named Buzz Cooper.”

“Pretty much. He wasn't mean or anything. He was just hurt and disappointed and I couldn't do anything to make it better.” Natalia felt a tear form and she tried to swipe it with her index finger before she fell.

Olivia picked up on the action and cupped Natalia's cheek, rubbing the soft skin with her thumb. Natalia's eyes brightened at the comforting touch and she smiled with dimples bursting on both cheeks. Olivia gave half a grin in return, taking a moment to realize that those dimples may just be the death of her.

She moved her hand away from Natalia's face, reached down to take her hand to lead them back to the couch and sat down.

“I'm sorry, Olivia. I really wasn't trying to avoid anything. I just-”

Olivia finished for her. “You weren't prepared. I get it.”

Natalia eyed her suspiciously, trying to determine if Olivia was being honest or just placating her.

Olivia noticed the questioning stare and continued, “Honestly! I probably wouldn't have been ready for a showdown in the baking aisle either. The timing wasn't right. Besides, he should probably hear it from Frank first.”

Natalia nodded in agreement. “And as if that wasn't enough for one day, I got a visit from Doris Wolf as a cherry on top.”

Olivia's eyes widened in surprise. “Doris?”

“Yup, our friendly neighborhood mayor.”

“Was she conducting a poll or something? Question one, ‘How many visits from your mayor does it take before you officially consider it a public nuisance?”

Natalia laughed, “I don't know. Maybe she smelled me baking cookies?”

Olivia's jaw dropped and she feigned a look of panic. She grabbed the lapel of Natalia's blazer and pulled her close. “You didn't give her any of my cookies did you?”

Natalia chuckled and swatted away Olivia's hands. “Of course not. I am a ‘one person only' kind of cookie maker, missy.”

Olivia smiled and straightened out the lapels she ruffled. “Well good, because that is a deal breaker.”

“Oh, really?

“Yes, ma'am. I can take a lot of things, but cookie swapping? There's just no coming back from that.”

“Well, not to worry, I defended the honor of your cookies. But that didn't stop her from prepping me on the finer points of ‘coming out.'”

Olivia sniggered at that concept. “Coming out? Oh, please. Look, I know she means well, but that woman is projecting so much she is going to need an IMAX screen just to capture all of it.”

Natalia laughed and then cleared her throat before she continued.

“Besides her friendly tips, Doris actually brought me some really good news.”

Olivia raised her eyebrow at statement. “Really? Do tell.”

“She said that she is petitioning for a new hearing for Rafe.”

“What?” Olivia exclaimed.

“Yeah, I know. Can you believe it?”

“Wow, this is amazing!”

“I know! I know...”

Olivia noticed the change in the tone of Natalia's voice. She nudged Natalia and questioned.

“Okay you just told me Rafe may be coming home soon so what's with the pools of woe swirling in your eyes?”

“Nothing. It's just the ‘may' part that I'm struggling with.”

“You have a problem with him coming home in May? Do you have trip planned or something that I don't know about?”

Natalia shook her head in confusion. “What? No, Olivia, ‘may' as in he ‘may' or ‘may not' come home. I just don't want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed.”

“Oh. Well, I think this time you should just let yourself be excited. I mean, he has the mayor on his side, and Frank, and I can talk to Jeffrey to see if he'll testify on his behalf.”

“Really?”

“Of course. I know Jeffrey doesn't hold any animosity towards him. He knows Rafe was just a kid who lost his father and was looking for someone to blame. Things just went bad.”

“Thank you so much.”

“Please, that's nothing. So what's the real reason for Doris's random act of kindness?” Olivia reached for her cup of coffee and took a sip.

Natalia hesitated, then answered. “Frank.”

Olivia almost choked on her coffee upon hearing his name. She put the coffee back on the table and wiped her mouth of any leaked remnants. Shifting her weight from side to side, trying to mask her discomfort, she questioned, “Frank?”

“Yeah. Apparently she owed him a favor since he kept quiet and didn't press charges for the whole bodyguard debacle.”

“Wow, so he cashed in a ‘get out of jail free' card for Rafe, for you.”

“I know. Even after everything…”

Both Olivia and Natalia thought about the implication of that, of what it meant about Frank. But Olivia broke the silence before they could allow themselves to relive the guilt. “He did it because Frank knows Rafe deserves another chance and you deserve to have your son back.”

Natalia smiled and replied, “I get my baby back…” Her voice trailed off as she contemplated another implication of his homecoming. “I know he's going to have a hard time with this, with us.”

“Well, that's to be expected, right? I mean, we didn't exactly have an easy time with it either as I recall.” Olivia smiled and nudged her. Natalia answered with a nudge of her own, but then nodded her head in agreement.

Olivia continued, “But we have to tell him and Emma, too. We can't really be a family together until we do.”

“So, Rafe first?”

Olivia agreed, “I think it makes the most sense. Don't you?”

“Yeah. It does.”

With that being agreed upon, Natalia started thinking about all the variables at work, all the things to consider from just going to the market to buy cookie supplies, and it exhausted her. She forcefully blew out her breath and threw herself back against the couch and crossed her arms over her chest. Olivia looked over in amusement. Natalia looked like a frustrated kid who was just told she couldn't have any dessert without finishing her vegetables.

She questioned, “Do you want to elaborate on that dramatic sigh?”

Natalia smirked and uncrossed her arms, “I just didn't expect this.”

“Didn't expect this? Natalia we knew going into this what the consequences-”

Natalia cut her off before she could finish. “No, that's not what I meant. It's just that…” Trying to gather her words she looked over at Olivia and noticed the anxiety building in her eyes. She needed to give her an answer before she started to shut down completely. “I never expected to feel this much, Olivia. I never knew I could. Even before…” She left that sentence hanging in the ether out of respect. “I've never felt like this before. Now that I'm not denying my feelings or trying to push them down, I can feel this for what it really is. And it's good, Olivia. It's so good and I have no doubts about that now. These feelings…especially since we came back from the trip…it's like a well has sprung inside me and it's overflowing. I'll be in the middle of doing something and then you'll pop in my head and I'll feel my heart skip and after that I become completely useless because I can't stop thinking about when I get to see you next. It's just so crazy and silly and wonderful and I'm so grateful to have this with you. So, so grateful.”

Olivia was overwhelmed. She had braced herself for a hit from Natalia's insecurity and instead she was just undone by the most honest declaration of love she had ever heard. And Natalia had said that to her; she meant it for her. She closed her eyes trying to fight back the tears but they couldn't be helped. When she felt the tender touch of Natalia's hand wipe away her tears she opened them again.

Natalia continued, “I feel so much and I don't want to hold it in. But then I run into someone like a Buzz or a Blake and I just get so torn up inside because I'm reminded of the people I've hurt and the others who will be hurt…because of me. It's so hard trying to keep these different feelings inside at the same time. This amazing love and happiness I feel with you and the disappointment and shame I feel with everyone else.”

Olivia shook her head in understanding. “I'm right there with you. But I guess I just have it a little different because anyone who knows me wouldn't exactly use the word ‘disappointed' to describe how they feel about my part in this.”

“What word would they use?”

“Typical.” Natalia looked at her in confusion. “Come on. You heard Frank that day in the hospital. It's what I do, mess with peoples' minds. I take what I need and toss the rest aside. So yeah, they would probably just say ‘typical.' Typical Olivia going after something she doesn't deserve and not caring who gets hurt because of it.” Olivia looked away from Natalia, not able to hold her gaze after that admission.

Natalia immediately reached out to Olivia and guided her gaze to meet her own. “Hey, don't look away. You don't have to hide. Not here, not with me. You forget that I saw that side of you too. I've seen you at your worst and you've seen me at my weakest. There is isn't a part of you I don't know and there isn't a part of you I don't love. That same part of you that pushes yourself to get what you want, no matter what the cost, the part that some people might point to as a reason to turn away…it's that same part of you that pushed me to be better than I was. I think that's what makes this so special. By seeing each other at our lowest, and facing each other head on instead of turning away, it gave us the strength let go of those parts of ourselves that were holding us back to become something better; something gentler and yet stronger, if that makes any sense.

Olivia smiled through her tears and shook her head to assure her it most certainly made sense.

Natalia continued, “I'm not glossing over anything for the sake of convenience. I know what you're capable of. I know you can be harsh when you want to, but I also know that the truth of you is kind and generous. When I say I love you, I don't say it in spite of those things, I say it because of them, all them.”

Olivia, certain that any words she tried to offer in gratitude for Natalia's declaration would fall flat in comparison, threw her arms around the smaller woman in hope that the intensity of her embrace would suffice. Natalia melted into the hold. She didn't need Olivia say anything in return, she knew it already. She felt it.

Natalia pulled back from the embrace and asked, “Sooooo, do I need to get chastised by someone every day so I have an excuse to cuddle with you or do I have an open invitation?"

Olivia smiled and replied, "Anytime, anyplace princess."

Natalia took her up on her offer and wrapped herself around Olivia as before, her head resting between her shoulder and chin, her arm draped around her waist. She closed her eyes and breathed in Olivia's scent, allowing herself to sink into the moment completely. Olivia stroked her hair and it produced a hypnotic effect causing her inhibition to weaken. Her hand began move against the shirt fabric covering Olivia's waist and her thumb started to trace circles. Natalia felt herself falling deeper into the trance and she began nuzzle against the soft skin of Olivia's neck. But she was pulled out of her stupor by the sensation of Olivia's rapid pulse against her cheek.

Natalia jerked her body away from Olivia's and exclaimed, “Your pulse!”

Immediately the images of Olivia passed out on the ground in front of Company flashed before her eyes. Her questions came out at a frantic pace. “Olivia? Is there something wrong with your heart? Did something happen while you were away?”

Olivia got up and moved to the other side of the room. She hoped that the space between them would enable her to compose herself. But she felt naked and exposed and considering she was fully clothed she didn't like what the occurrence of those feelings portended.

“No. Nothing's wrong and nothing happened”

“But I felt…oh my God!”

“Stop, that's not it”

Olivia could feel it. Her layers being pulled away with each of Natalia's words.

“Then why was your-”

“Because it's what you do to me!” Olivia exclaimed. And there it was. The final veil was lifted and there was nowhere left to hide.

“What?” Natalia questioned. Then her eyes widened with understanding and she started to blush as the implication of Olivia's words set in.

“Oh!”

“Sometimes Natalia…” Olivia shook her head in amazement at the innocence of the woman she loved.

Natalia's face changed from one of confusion to concern once the gravity of the moment set in. “I'm sorry. I didn't even realize what I was doing.”

Olivia put her hand in the air to rebuff Natalia's words. “Trust me, an apology is not necessary.”

“Then why do you still look panicked?”

Olivia felt a chill run through her at the word ‘panicked.' Was it that obvious? She hung her head, swallowed what was left of her pride and confessed.

“This used to be me at my most confident, Natalia. This part. I knew what to say, how to say it and what to do at just the right moment. That was me.”

“And?”

“I don't know. I never felt…this. It's different.”

“You mean because I'm a woman?”

“No. I mean, yeah, that's new and different, but that's not it, not really. You didn't really know me before Gus, but I'm sure you were told by plenty of people in this town all about the real Olivia Spencer. And it's all true. I used men like tissues and then wadded them up and threw them in the trash when I was done. And I liked it, Natalia. I liked it a lot. I don't know what I liked more, the actual sex or the power it gave me over them.”

“And now?” Natalia questioned, hoping to usher Olivia past any unnecessary details about her sex life with the men of Springfield. Not that she was uncomfortable with Olivia's sexuality, but more that she was uncomfortable imagining that there were these men who were physically intimate with her, but never really bothered to touch beyond what was skin deep. It bothered her to know that.

Olivia laughed through her tears and continued. “Now? Now, my heart is jumping through my chest because being remotely close to you turns me into a bumbling awkward teenager who can't handle the slightest touch from you without her nerves going haywire.”

“Welcome to my world.” Natalia smiled and shrugged her shoulders.

“I swear to God, I don't know who I am anymore.” Olivia covered her face with her hands and shook her head.

Natalia took a moment to really look at her and she saw it. Olivia was scared. Although she was trying to play it off, she could see it in her posture and her labored breathing. Despite everything they had been through together and everything she witnessed after the heart transplant, Natalia was certain she had never seen Olivia this raw and vulnerable. Stripped of all her armor she looked at her as if she was seeing her for the first time and she was overcome.

Suddenly a sensation of warmth washed over Natalia and she was invigorated by a feeling of power and strength building within her. Her feet moved of their own will and she made her way over to the woman who looked as if she was trying to steel herself from this new feeling of insecurity.

Standing in front of her, Natalia reached out, uncrossing Olivia's arms and replied, “I told you, you're the woman I love.” The she guided Olivia's left hand to her neck so that her fingers were pressing against her pulse.

She questioned. “Do you feel this?”

Olivia felt the wild pulse beneath her finger tips, then looked into Natalia's eyes and became undone by the certainty she saw there. A flicker of light from the dying fire caused a shadow to pass over Natalia's face, interrupting their mutual gaze. When the light returned Olivia was overwhelmed and stunned by the look of desire staring back at her.

Natalia's voice barely a whisper, she questioned again. “Do you?”

Olivia nodded, unable to find her voice to speak.

“It's what you…do to me.”

Natalia cupped Olivia cheek and urged her body upward, her eyes focused on the lips before her. When their lips were a hair's breadth apart she quickly looked up into Olivia's eyes and then closed her own, leaning forward she pressed her lips to Olivia's. Immediately her senses were undone by the softness she felt and she moved closer.

Olivia felt her body awaken from the bolts of lightning shooting from her heart as her mind finally registered the feeling of Natalia's lips on her own. Her instincts screamed with a thunderous roar and her desire burned through her veins like wildfire. Her right hand instantly pulled Natalia close at her waist and her left hand gripped the back of her head and brought their mouths together again with urgency.

Losing all sense of voluntary action, Natalia's body began to act of its own volition. Her hands tangled themselves in Olivia's hair, alternating between pulling and caressing the silk strands. Her jaw dropped and she gasped a quick breath only to be overcome again by the crashing of Olivia's mouth against her own. The feeling of the softest lips she'd ever known sent a jolt from her heart straight to the center below her waist. Of its own accord her tongue slipped past her own lips and grazed against Olivia's bottom, silently requesting permission to pass through.

The feel of Natalia's tongue dancing at the gates of her mouth caused Olivia to automatically drop her jaw and inhale. The foreign tongue entered without resistance and collided with her own. Their lips devoured one another, pushing and pulling, alternating between fierce and gentle caresses. They became lost in the moment, in the fulfillment of a silent desire that had existed within each of them for far too long.

As they felt the passion begin to overwhelm their senses, both woman slowly pulled back from one another. Their breathing was labored and heavy as they tried to regain control of their impulses. They rested their foreheads together, neither of them willing to allow for much distance to separate them.

Finally they opened their eyes and met each other's gaze. Natalia smiled and felt her eyes well with tears. She cupped Olivia's cheek and ran her thumb over her bottom lip.

She inhaled deeply and said,

“I knew they'd be soft.”

IV

Staring at the ceiling in hopes of boring herself back to sleep, Olivia tried to count the number of cracks in the paint, but the attempt was futile. The memory of the night before kept poking at her and with each prod, she found herself grinning like a kid spotting presents wrapped under the tree on Christmas morning. The images played in a loop in her mind and she didn't foresee herself ever getting tired of watching them repeat, over and over again.

“I swear to God, I don't know who I am anymore.” Olivia covered her face with her hands and shook her head.

Natalia took a moment to really look at Olivia and that's when she saw it. Olivia was scared. Although the other woman was trying to play it off, Natalia could see it in her posture and her labored breathing. Despite everything they had been through together and everything she witnessed after the heart transplant, Natalia was certain she had never seen Olivia this raw and vulnerable. With Olivia stripped of all her armor, Natalia looked at her as if she was seeing Olivia for the first time and she was overcome.

Suddenly, a sensation of warmth washed over Natalia and she was invigorated by a feeling of power and strength building within her. Her feet moved of their own will and she made her way over to the woman who looked as if she was trying to steel herself from this new feeling of insecurity.

Standing in front of her, Natalia reached out, uncrossed Olivia's arms and replied, “I told you, you're the woman I love.” Then she guided Olivia's left hand to her neck so that her fingers were pressing against her pulse.

 “Do you feel this?”

Olivia felt the wild pulse beneath fingertips and looked into Natalia's eyes, becoming undone by the certainty she saw there.  A flicker of light from the dying fire caused a shadow to pass over Natalia's face, interrupting their mutual gaze. When the light returned to highlight Natalia's features, Olivia was completely overwhelmed and stunned by the look of desire staring back at her.

With her voice barely a whisper, Natalia questioned Olivia again.  

“Do you?”

Olivia nodded, unable to find her voice to speak.

Natalia continued, “It's what you…do to me.”

Natalia cupped Olivia's cheek and urged her body upward, her eyes focused on the lips before her. When their lips were a hair's breadth apart, she quickly looked up into Olivia's eyes and then closed her own as she leaned forward and pressed her lips to Olivia's. Immediately, her senses were unraveled by the softness she felt and she moved closer.

Olivia felt her body awaken from the bolts of lightning shooting from her heart as her mind finally registered the feeling of Natalia's lips on her own. Her instincts screamed with a thunderous roar and her desire burned through her veins like wildfire. Her right hand instantly pulled Natalia close while her left hand cupped the back of Natalia's head and guided their mouths together again with urgency.

Losing all sense of voluntary action, Natalia's body began to act of its own volition. Her hands tangled themselves in Olivia's hair, alternating between pulling and caressing the silky strands. Her jaw dropped and she gasped a quick breath only to be overcome again by the crashing of Olivia's mouth against her own. The feeling of the softest lips she'd ever known sent a jolt from her heart straight to her center. Of its own accord, her tongue slipped past her lips and grazed against Olivia's bottom lip, silently requesting permission to pass through.

The feel of Natalia's tongue dancing at the gates of her mouth caused Olivia to automatically drop her jaw and inhale. The questing tongue entered without resistance and collided with her own. Their lips devoured one another, pushing and pulling, alternating between fierce and gentle caresses. They became lost in the moment, in the fulfillment of a silent desire that had existed within each of them for far too long.

As they felt the passion begin to overwhelm their senses, both women slowly pulled back from one another. Their breathing was labored and heavy as they tried to regain control of their impulses. They rested their foreheads together, neither of them willing to allow for much distance to separate them.

Finally, they opened their eyes and met each other's gaze. Natalia smiled and felt her eyes well with tears. She cupped Olivia's cheek and ran her thumb over her bottom lip.

Natalia inhaled deeply and said, “I knew they'd be soft.”

Olivia smiled at that admission, taking comfort in the fact that she wasn't the only one who had pictured this moment in her mind. Their foreheads still pressed together, she giggled and nuzzled her nose against her companion's.

Olivia replied jokingly, “Burt's Bees Wax lip balm. Never leave home without it.”

Natalia nodded.  “Remind me to write the company a thank you note.”

Natalia pulled her head back to fully take in the beauty of the woman before her. She knew everything would be different now. In truth, she had always appreciated Olivia's beauty. How could she not; it was so obvious. But now, she had touched it, tasted it, and it changed everything. Her thoughts were going a mile a minute and visions of ordinary actions, now transformed, flashed before her eyes: Olivia taking a sip of her coffee, Olivia chewing her lip as she read the morning paper, Olivia biting on the end of a pen as she read over a vendor proposal, Olivia pursing her lips as she put on her lip balm. The images kept coming and Natalia felt a fire emanate within in her.

Olivia watched as a curious look came over Natalia's face. She drew her head back in confusion and caressed Natalia's cheek. When Natalia had first initiated their kiss, it was chaste and she tried to contain her own excitement. But the sensation proved to be too irresistible and now she feared that she may have overwhelmed the other woman.

“Natalia, are you okay?”

Natalia closed her eyes upon feeling the caress, appreciating the comforting gesture, but ultimately finding that the touch only fanned her flame. Olivia barely heard Natalia whisper an intelligible word before she felt the younger woman's lips on hers once more. The intensity of this kiss was just as strong, if not more, and Olivia found herself drowning in a sea of velvet. Everything was soft; skin, lips, tongue. Their bodies collided and hands roamed over familiar yet foreign landscapes. Natalia's hands untangled themselves from the silky strands of Olivia's hair and slid down over her shoulders until they dropped into the valley between Olivia's shoulder blades and slithered all the way down to the small of her back. Natalia caressed up and down the same path with her fingertips, enjoying the contrast of bone, muscle and soft flesh. Then her hands, hungry to explore this new territory, drifted back to the front of Olivia's torso and slowly made their way up the slight, but strong forearms currently wrapped around her own body.

Olivia tried to keep some semblance of control, but as Natalia's hands laid claim to her body, she knew that the deluge of desire flooding through her veins had wiped out any possibility of rational thought, and her body began to react on instinct alone. Her mind was completely undone by the sensation of touch and taste and she was very grateful that the act of breathing was an autonomic action because, had it not been, she was quite certain she would have forgotten to inhale. She felt her own hands begin to travel up from Natalia's waist toward her chest and just before her right hand caressed Natalia's breast, her mind finally kicked back into gear and she pulled back from Natalia with a fierce jerk.

“Wait!”

Natalia felt the immediate loss of contact before Olivia's exclamation registered in her mind. It was like being violently pulled out of a dream and she found herself trying to catch her breath and focus her eyesight on the woman in front her.

Confused and concerned, she asked, “Olivia, wha-wh-“ She shook her head and to prime her brain into functioning again.

Olivia, seeing her confusion, answered apologetically, “I'm sorry, I just-“ Trying to make sense of her own actions, she squeezed her eyes shut and worked to focus all thought on her reason for stopping such a passionate moment before she lost her nerve and grabbed Natalia by the waist to finish what they had started.

“I just...I think we should stop before we get in over our heads.”

Natalia shook her head in puzzlement and her eyes welled up with fear.

“Did I-“her voice broke. She took a breath before she continued. “Did I do something wro-“

Olivia cut her off before she could finish. “No! God no! A million times ‘no' to that question. Please, if what you did was any more right I'd be a puddle on the floor right now.”

Natalia smiled with relief. Her body had reacted on instinct and, now that it had processed what had just happened, she was elated to hear that she had not done anything unpleasant. Olivia watched Natalia's face return to a relaxed state and she gently grabbed the other woman by the shoulders.

“That was… That was…honestly I don't even have the words for how that felt. But I want this to be right. I'm not proud to say that I have a track record of jumping in too quickly and I want our time to be more than that. It means too much to me, you mean too much to me.”

Natalia, now with sound mind, fully registered where their actions had been leading and felt a wave of gratitude wash over her for Olivia's resolve. She placed her hands over Olivia's arms and pulled her into an embrace.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For always knowing what I need, even before I do. I love you so much.”

Olivia smiled and returned the embrace. “I meant it. That and-“

Natalia questioned, “And?”

“And my eight year old daughter is sleeping upstairs and I don't think this is the best way to breach the whole rainbow colored birds and bees conversation.”

Natalia immediately pulled back from Olivia and covered her mouth with her hands. After the initial shock wore off, she exclaimed. “Oh my God! Emma. I totally forgot!”

Olivia laughed at her expression. “Yeah, you and me both.”

Natalia, stifling a giggle, swatted Olivia's arm. “It's not funny.”

Olivia lifted her arms in surrender. “Okay, okay. Not super funny, but it didn't actually happen, so it's a little funny. I mean, here I am a 43 year old woman and I'm worried I'm going to get caught making out with my best friend. It's absurd, but-”

Natalia interjected, “But kind of kind of sweet, too.”

“It is…I never had this.”

“Well, I think you've had a bit more experience than me.”

“That's just it. I haven't. Not this, Natalia. Yes, I've had lovers. I've had whirlwind romances and overly dramatic dalliances. But tonight might as well have been my first kiss, because that's how it felt. I never felt innocent before…until now.”

Natalia, warmed by the honest admission, took Olivia's hand into hers and placed a butterfly kiss along Olivia's knuckles. “Because of me?”

“Only you.”

Natalia smiled and contemplated her words. “You've never felt innocent? I think that makes us an interesting pair then.”

“Why's that?”

“Because I think it's safe to say ‘innocent' is a word that most people would stamp on my forehead.”

“Natalia, I didn't mean-”

“No, I know. I don't think it's a bad thing. And it's a fair assessment. I'm pretty much inexperienced at most things other than being a mom. I haven't seen the world outside of Chicago and Springfield. I never went to college, barely made it through high school.”

Olivia objected. “You make it sound like you avoided those experiences out of fear or inadequacy. You had a child, Natalia! And you were mature and strong enough to realize that you had to put his needs first and so you put your life on hold. That doesn't make you some naïve coward!”

“But I did avoid them, in a way. After my family turned on me because I got pregnant, I pulled away from the world. I lost myself in raising Rafe, so much so that I can't blame him if he feels suffocated by me sometimes. And I turned to the church for guidance, but now I wonder if I became so devoted because a part of me was seeking forgiveness.”

“That's not true, Natalia. I've seen your faith in God and you've never treated it like some ‘quid pro quo' relationship.”

Natalia smiled at Olivia's vehement defense of her faith. “That's because it isn't. Not now. I wasn't being over sentimental when I told you that God is my best friend. But 19 years is long time, Olivia. I was a kid then and more than anything I wanted someone to tell me I was okay. I wanted absolution. My family couldn't give me that, but the church could. And so I lost myself in it and I raised my child to respect it. I followed the rules as best as I could and it helped me feel as though I had some control over my life and that I wasn't alone. And then somewhere along the way of going to church for the sake of propriety, it changed…it became about faith, instead of obedience. But it was a long road from there to here, Olivia, and I didn't exactly stop along the way to take in the sights. And so now I'm a 35 year old woman and most people who meet me look into my eyes and see this innocent, naïve girl in a woman's body.” Natalia paused and reached out to caress Olivia's cheek. “Except for you…you always saw more in me, didn't you?”

Olivia smiled, “Always.”

“And that's the whole irony of this situation, of us being a couple. I make you feel innocent and you make more feel…” Natalia's words drifted off as she tried to settle on the right word.

Olivia prodded, “Make you feel what?”

“Alive. I don't know if that's the best word…” Natalia paused to step close enough to Olivia so that the light could barely pass between them. “But I can promise you, that when we're alone like this and we're close, I feel anything but innocent.”

Olivia noticed the change in Natalia's tone and, if she didn't know any better, she would have called it predatory. She looked down at the younger woman and felt herself caught in the intensity of her gaze. “I b-believe you…but, there's still a little girl upstairs who I would like keep innocent for a few more years,  so maybe we should call it a night.”

Natalia laughed and poked Olivia's midsection with her finger. “Hey! Don't flatter yourself, Ms. Spencer. I may have gotten a little caught up in the moment, but that doesn't mean I'm some crazed hyena.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely.”

Olivia raised her eyebrow and replied, “Look down.”

Natalia looked down and noticed her fingers were now tracing circles around Olivia's midsection. Upon recognition, she immediately withdrew her hand.

“That doesn't count. I was fidgeting. I fidget when I'm nervous.”

“Yes, you do fidget. But generally when you're nervous, you scratch an imaginary itch behind your ear or on the back of your neck. You don't draw lazy circles on other people's body parts.”

Natalia tried to get annoyed, but the fact that Olivia could recite her nervous ticks only made her feel even more enthralled with the woman in front of her.

“Fine. You win. I'm a wolf in sheep's clothing. What a pair we make, hmm?”

Olivia smiled, reached out for Natalia's hand and replied, “It's a winning combination.”

Both women took a moment to allow the events that had transpired over the last few hours wash over them. So much had happened in such a short amount of time, so many admissions and confessions. And with those admissions, they both felt something change; the bond between them had grown stronger. Without saying a word, they knew they were feeling the same thing and it warmed their hearts to know that their connection would only grow with time.

Olivia stepped forward and broke the silence. “So I guess this is goodnight.”

Natalia nodded, “I think so.”

“Do you need an escort to your room?”

“That's cute, but I'm going to head into the kitchen and clean up.”

“Natalia, give yourself a break. It's a couple of coffee mugs and a cookie platter. I think it can wait until the morning.”

Olivia tried to reach for Natalia in an attempt to usher her toward the stairs, but Natalia pulled away from her grasp and put up her hand up to forestall Olivia's advance.

“No it's fine, really. You go on up. I'll take care of the dishes, put away the cookies…” Natalia continued in a voice just above a whisper “…and maybe stick my head in the freezer or under the cold water faucet…or both”

Olivia giggled as she processed those last words. She raised her hands in acquiescence, understanding what the other woman was feeling and respecting that Natalia needed a little space to process everything that had happened.

“Right. Okay. I get'cha. I'll see you in the morning then?”

“Bright eyed and bushytailed.”

Debating whether to lean in for a simple goodnight kiss, Olivia opted to forgo it. She had a feeling if she revved up her engine again that, this time, she wouldn't have it in her to hit the brakes and, looking into the other woman's eyes, she was fairly certain Natalia wouldn't be much help in that regard either. And so she maintained their distance but reached out and grasped Natalia's hand. Gently, she turned it over and placed a loving, but chaste kiss to her palm.

Natalia smiled at the action and pulled her hand back to rest over her heart after Olivia started to backpedal toward the stairs.

“Sweet dreams.”

“You too.”


After replaying the memory of the night before for the millionth time , Olivia threw the covers off her body and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. She had no idea what time it was and she didn't care. She couldn't wait a moment longer. After a quick trip to the bathroom to freshen up, she made her way over to Natalia's room. The door was left slightly ajar and Olivia took it as a personal invitation to push it open to get a complete view of the women slumbering within. She wasn't sure how long she watched Natalia from afar, but she was pretty certain she could have stayed in that moment forever had it not been interrupted by the brunette's groggy voice.

“You know, you're lucky I'm in love with you because otherwise you standing there watching me sleep would go from being adorably cute to creepy stalker-like real quick.”
Natalia opened her eyes and focused on Olivia. She smiled, fully dimpled, and tried to contain her elation at being able to wake up to Olivia's beautiful face, even if it was currently across the room.

“Did you sleep well?”

Olivia shrugged and replied, “I barely slept.”

“Why?”

“I guess I was afraid.”

Natalia , concerned by that statement, pushed off her side to get a better look at the other woman. “Of what?”

Olivia paused briefly to internally debate whether she should be so serious at such an early hour and finally answered.

“That I would wake up and this would all be a dream.”

Natalia's body relaxed upon hearing that admission. In truth, she had trouble falling to sleep for the same reason. She smiled and replied, “It's not a dream…It's real, we're real.

Olivia nodded her head in agreement. She thought of her reaction to a similar statement Natalia had made the night before on the porch. She resented it then but now it gave her comfort. What a difference an evening can make.

She laughed at the irony of it and replied, “Ya'know, I think I finally understand what that means.”

“Me, too.” Natalia smiled and reached out with her hand, silently beckoning Olivia to join her.

Olivia made her way over to the bed and Natalia moved to make room for her. Staring down at the other woman with her brunette locks spread out on the pillow behind her, Olivia felt like she was caught in the middle of a fairy tale. She brushed Natalia's bangs out of her eyes and then trailed her finger tips down her jaw line.

Natalia smiled at the gesture. “Hey you.”

“Hey yourself.”

Natalia reached up and placed a gentle kiss in the palm of Olivia's hand.

“If it's any consolation, I didn't get much sleep either.”

“Oh no?”

“Yeah, I kept having dreams of this mystery person.”

Olivia raised an eyebrow, feigning surprise, and questioned, “Mystery person, hmm? Any clues?”

“Just one. They're an amazing kisser.”

“Really? How amazing?”

Natalia grabbed Olivia by the front of her shirt and pulled her down so that they were an inch apart.  “Well, it went a little like this.”

Lifting her head, Natalia gently covered Olivia's lips with her own. This kiss was different and appropriately so. It spoke more of comfort than urgency, and it allowed them to savor the moment for its sweetness.

Once the kiss ended, Natalia pulled back and rested her head again on the pillow behind her, but she continued to run her fingers through Olivia's silk strands as she waited on the snarky response she knew was sure to come.

Considering that Natalia had teased her into the kiss, this would usually be the moment when Olivia would serve up a witty comeback in a nonchalant demeanor. But all she could muster was a childish grin and flushed cheeks. She dropped her head to avoid eye contact and the inevitable discovery of her blatant bliss. She felt like a child at this moment, innocent and completely overwhelmed by the wonderfully new feeling of contentment washing over her. It was an interesting emotion and one she was not accustomed to. It prevented her from using her standard tools of her trade that enabled her to maintain a cool, controlled persona and shielded her vulnerability. With those tools disarmed, she was forced to show her true face and, at that moment, her true face matched that of little girl who had just received a valentine from her first crush.

Olivia's change in demeanor was not lost on Natalia. Her own revelry in the moment was cut short by the sight of Olivia's burgeoning red cheeks. She maneuvered her head to try to lock eyes with the other woman and placed her hand under Olivia's chin so as to make eye contact. The sight of Olivia made her heart swell. Over time she had witnessed Olivia exhibit a gamut of emotions, everything from anger to tenderness. But Natalia was fairly certain she had never seen a ‘shy' Olivia, and she was also fairly certain that the sight was so adorable that she had just fallen in love with her all over again.

“Stop the presses. Is that a bashful Olivia Spencer I see before me?”

“No. Not hardly.”

“Oh no, more like definitely. You're blushing!”

“Obviously I'm not awake yet.”

“Oh, is that it? Well then maybe I'm sleeping and I dreamed this kiss, too. That's a real shame though; it was one heck of a kiss.”

Olivia looked up to meet Natalia's gaze and saw a mischievous glint in the doe shaped eyes staring back at her. The teasing tone of her voice only intensified the moment and Olivia felt a surge of heat course through her veins. Gone was the bashfulness and it was replaced with a more familiar feeling of bravado. She braced her body by laying her hands on either side of Natalia's torso and lowered her head so that it was suspended right above the brunette's, with their lips a breath apart. Natalia immediately responded and raised her head to capture the tantalizing lips, but as she eased forward, Olivia jerked back, just out of reach. Natalia's brow scrunched in confusion and Olivia, recognizing the look, smirked in response before she slowly lowered her head and hovered over Natalia once again.

Natalia, witnessing the build up of hunger in the other woman's eyes, suddenly realized that this was Olivia ‘at her most confident' and that she was out of her league. Her body became paralyzed with a combination of apprehension and anticipation and she remained still as Olivia grazed her lips over her own. It was a teasing sensation and left her wanting. Pulled out of her paralysis by the contact, Natalia tried once again to capture a kiss, but her prize eluded her for a second time as Olivia skillfully pulled away.

Seeing the frustration in Natalia's eyes, Olivia finally took pity on the younger woman and lowered her head, but just when the brunette thought she'd earned her prize, Olivia tilted her head to the side and Natalia's eyes widened as she felt Olivia's lips make contact with her pulse point. She felt a jolt of lightening course through her veins as Olivia nipped and teased with her tongue the very sensitive spot on her throat. She let out a moan and her hands involuntarily moved from Olivia's sides with an intention of tangling themselves in the other woman's hair. But before that could have happen, Olivia stopped and whispered in her ear.

“You ain't seen nuthin' yet.”

Just as Natalia processed those words, Olivia abruptly sat upright and watched as the other woman slowly came out of her haze. Natalia had just opened her mouth to protest the loss of contact when a knock on their door interrupted their solitude.

“Natalia, can we have breakfast now?

The innocent voice beyond the door shattered the intensity of the moment like a mallet to a glass pane. They leaned their heads together in support and laughed at the unfortunate timing of the little girl they both adored.

“We're gonna have to get a bell for her.”

Natalia added, “I think we can swipe one off the cows.”

The little girl waiting on a response in the hallway heard the familiar sound of her mother's voice and exclaimed, “Mommy!”

Olivia smiled at the excitement in her daughter's voice and replied, “It's me, Jelly Bean. Come on in before you wear a hole in the carpet from pacing.”

The door immediately flew open and the body of exuberant eight year old girl crashed into the room and grasped on to her mother's body before she could even fully turn her head to face the door. Olivia lifted her left arm to allow her daughter to sneak into the open space and then settled it around the little girl's body as she pulled her close.

“I guess that means you missed me, huh?”

“Like tons!”

“Woah, tons?”

“Yup.”

“Well, I missed you ‘tons' plus infinity!”

Emma stomped her foot in frustration. “That's not fair.”

“Well baby doll, sometimes you're the bird and sometimes you're the windshield.”

“Olivia!” Natalia exclaimed and swatted the other woman on the arm for being so glib. Emma scrunched her head in bewilderment at that statement

Olivia laughed and pulled Emma even closer. “Just kidding, honey. I'm just being silly because I'm happy to be home.”

“Do you mean ‘home' because you're in the farmhouse or because you're back in Springfield?”

Natalia smirked at the little girl's cleverly arranged question and looked toward Olivia to gauge her reaction. Olivia met Natalia stare and smiled.

“Ya'know, honey, wherever my two best girls are is home enough for me.”

Natalia smiled at that sentiment and agreed.  “Me, too!” She threw her arm out and suspended it above Olivia's lap with her palm facing down.

Emma jumped up and down and immediately threw out her hand on top of Natalia's. “Me three!

Olivia, grinning at their impromptu ‘one for all and all for one' moment, added her hand to the pile and exclaimed, “Me infinity!”

“MOM!” Emma cried at her mother's repeated unfair tactic.

Olivia, laughing, looked down at her daughter and then settled her gaze on Natalia. In that moment,  they both felt the promise of life they had wished for fulfilled. Cuddled together in a bed on a lazy morning, neither woman could imagine a more perfect moment.

V

The bright light of the early morning sun streamed in through the windows and gave a heavenly glow to the farmhouse kitchen.  The seclusion of the dwelling only intensified the divine appearance.  It was there that the world seemed to exist only for them.  The rays of light entering through the windows, free from the obstruction of a neighbor's house or tall privacy fence, made it seem possible that the sunlight actually emanated from the floor of the house and shone only for them.  The dulcet sound of the birds chirping, free from the clamor of rush hour traffic or the grating gears of garbage trucks, gave the appearance that the twitter of those winged creatures existed only to gently raise them from their slumber and usher them to a new day. 

And what a day it was.  To a casual observer, the actions of the woman preparing breakfast only mirrored the monotonous routine of so many others at that hour.  The habitual procedures of the early morning were being carried out by countless families across the region.  It was a necessary function and one that for most did not merit comment or reflection; however, Natalia couldn't help but get lost in her thoughts over the wonderful simplicity of the moment.  Her mind drifted to those years not so long ago when she would wake up on her makeshift bed on the living room couch in a 400 square foot grimy Chicago apartment to make a halfway decent meal for Rafe before he set out for school in the Windy City and she left for her first of three jobs for the week. 

It had never been an easy life.  Looking back now, Natalia questioned how she'd even had the strength to take care of herself, let alone her son.  In the fog of memory, it almost seemed as though it was someone else's life and she had only stolen the images and implanted them in her own mind.  That was how foreign it felt, how far removed that life was from her present reality, but it had made sense.  Back then, Natalia had never had the luxury of time to reflect on her existence and the challenges she'd faced. Such was the consequence of an existence based on survival rather than living. 

That was what her life had been, an exercise in survival, so what was the difference between the two? One could argue that survival was reactionary and living was deliberate. Living meant she could exercise choices in her life and survival meant clinging to whatever scraps remained after others had chosen before her. Living meant a choice in the kinds of clothes she wore, the food she ate, the schools she attended, the places she worked, the doctors she saw, the people she knew… the life she lived.

As Natalia poured the pancake batter over the griddle, a realization hit her.  Standing in the kitchen with the person she loved more than words could ever express and the little girl she considered her own, she finally understood why she'd fought so hard against her feelings.  It was the power of choice and how it changed everything.  With the exception of Rafe, most things in her adult life just happened.  While she never chose to get pregnant, she did choose to have the baby.  Since then, however, the choices in her life seemed dwindle. Somewhere along the way, she got used to accepting whatever was available and making the most of it, unaware that her acquiescence would arrest her emotional development. Today, though, she understood it was the action of choice that marked adulthood and, without it, how could a person become an adult other than just in a measure of years? 

Unlike a child who wasn't truly capable of understanding the concept of consequence, Natalia knew that a choice could only truly be made when she was fully aware of its potential consequence. It was only in accepting the consequence that a choice became ‘official.'

In understanding that, Natalia realized why she'd fought so hard against what she felt for Olivia.  It required a choice and that was something unfamiliar to her.    The choice hadn't involved her love of Olivia.  Loving Olivia was never a choice for her.  It had existed within her heart before it even registered in her mind and now it was more akin to the act of breathing than thinking.   Allowing herself to be happy, to be part of family no matter how unconventional or different, was a choice… and it was one she embraced wholeheartedly, no matter the consequence. 

The power of that choice and all that it signified suddenly overwhelmed her and she felt herself become slightly lightheaded.  She focused her gaze on the stove in front of her to steady her.  Once she regained her equilibrium, she moved her focus to the stove clock.

On this day, at 7:07 a.m., Natalia Rivera finally knew what it meant to be alive. The significance of the moment, however, was broken by an excited exclamation from the little girl next to her.

“Natalia!  Don't you have to flip it now or it will get burned?”

Natalia shook her head to jar herself out of her revelry and turned her attention to the pan with a bubbling pancake. 

“Oh you're right, honey.  Why don't you do it, okay?  You remember how I showed you?”

Emma nodded enthusiastically and took the spatula to save the pancake from a fiery death. 

Natalia, still overwhelmed by her recent revelation, tried to steady herself by shifting her body weight from side to side, hoping to usher herself back into a state of equilibrium.  That was when she felt Olivia's gaze on her.

Turning her head to the side to confirm her suspicion, she found two jade colored eyes filled with love and concern.  Obviously, the other woman had somehow sensed her emotional shift. 

Undone by the honesty of emotion she recognized in that single gaze, Natalia, mindful of the little girl down at her side, mouthed a silent declaration to Olivia.

**********************

On the other side of room, Olivia watched the two girls from afar while she sorted through her PDA to get a start on any urgent matters that required her attention.  As she scrolled through her email, her thoughts began to wander.

When they had made their way into the kitchen, Olivia had assumed her regular position at the kitchen table which had put her at a safe distance from the commotion going on at the stove.  She laughed inwardly at the realization that somehow she had become the free loader of their family unit when it came to cooking.  Now that she thought about it, she recognized that Natalia most likely was not even aware that she was quite a chef in her own right, but how could Natalia know that about her?  Their friendship had begun at a time when Olivia could barely dress herself, let alone cook a meal.  When she'd moved into the farmhouse, she'd sensed the joy that Natalia had felt in being able to create a meal in her own kitchen and could not bear the thought of disrupting that routine to show off her own culinary skills.  No, Natalia had no idea, and that made Olivia a little happy because it reminded her they had so much left to learn about each other.   

Her moment of reflection was broken by the sound and smell of pancake batter hitting the searing heat of a frying pan.  It drew her attention to the girls in aprons manning the stove and, in doing so, she noticed something of concern.   In her side view of Natalia, she detected a subtle change in her disposition.  She wasn't sure what it was, but she became even more worried when she noticed the brunette's body fill with tension.  Thankfully, the moment was brief and, within a few seconds, her body returned to its natural state. Nevertheless, Olivia was a little anxious over what she had witnessed. In that moment, Natalia had looked as if she had been bracing her body from an intense cold, only to have that feeling replaced with the comfort of a warm blanket.

She was about to question what she'd observed when her daughter's voice interrupted her.

 “Natalia!  Don't you have to flip it now or it'll get burned?”

“Oh you're right, honey.  Why don't you do it, okay?  You remember how I showed you?”

Olivia watched as Natalia scratched her upper lip and shifted her weight from side to side, signaling to her that the brunette was trying to maintain her composure.  Just as she was about to stand up and make her way over, Natalia turned her head, made eye contact, and mouthed the words, “I love you.”

Olivia felt her heart constrict at the tender glance and confession.  She felt a calm peace wash over her and the apprehension she had been feeling was expelled.  Nothing more needed to be said other than her own silent reply.

 “I know.”          

 *************************

The two women and their little girl sat around the table, enjoying their breakfast banquet of pancakes and some family banter.

“Homemade pancakes are waaaaaay better than room service pancakes.”

Emma emphasized her point by inserting an oversized portion of a pancake into her mouth.  Remnants of syrup and butter were splattered around her lips and both women on either side of her laughed at the spectacle. 

“Well I'm happy we could satisfy your sophisticated palate, Em, but that's no reason to eat half of a pancake in one bite, okay.” Olivia took her napkin and wiped the little girl's face.

“I have to agree with Emma on this one.  Homemade pancakes for the win!”

Olivia scoffed at that response and replied, “Oh, I think you might be a little biased.”

“Maybe, but I happen to know for a fact that every pancake made in this kitchen has a very special ingredient that they don't have at the Beacon.”

“Oh, really.  Well, I don't handle the inventory but I'm pretty sure the Beacon kitchen is well stocked with nutmeg and vanilla extract, so…”

Natalia waved her index finger in objection. “Uh, uh!  That's not it.”

“Oh, what? You want to tout the freshness of your well water because…”

“No, Mom!”  Emma interjected. “That's not it either.”

Olivia jerked her head back in surprise. “Oh, you're in on this super secret ingredient, too?” 

Emma sported a huge grin and nodded her head in affirmation.

“Yup.”

“Ugh. Et tu, Emma? And you!” She pointed her finger accusingly at Natalia. “That's a low blow, princess.  Enlisting a child in your pancake process hording scheme!  Shame on you!”

Natalia raised her hands in defense, “Don't look at me.  She figured it out all on her own.”

“Fine, I give up! What is it?”

Natalia nudged Emma to give the answer.

“Duh, Mom.  It's love.  All the food you make for your family is super special because it's made with love.”

Olivia smiled as she registered the implication of that answer.  It was so sweet and honest and she was fairly certain that she was just a sugar lump away from going into diabetic shock from all the sappy goodness flowing through her veins. 

She wondered if she would ever get used to this, the way her emotions flowed so freely now that her armor had been traded in for a pocketful of sunshine, She shook her head at the sappiness of that thought, but that was how it felt. Everything was lighter now, more illuminated, and because of that, everything that once felt heavy and oppressive became less burdensome.  Everything became that much more beautiful and inviting now that she had found her place in the sun.

Olivia shrugged her shoulders in concession. “Well, I guess I can't argue with that logic and since I don't foresee me convincing the Beacon chef to put more love into his food, we'll just have to make sure we stock up on our love-filled pancakes here, won't we, Jelly-Bean?”

“Yup!”

Natalia smiled. “Well, lucky for you I have a lifetime supply for you both.”

Olivia gazed at Natalia and tried to convey in a single glance the gratitude she felt at those words. 

“Lucky us is right.”

Natalia returned the endearing gaze and offered a dimpled grin in exchange for Olivia's sweet words before turning her attention to Emma.   She noticed that the little girl had gone eerily silent and was playing with the reminder of her pancake with her fork.

“Emma, what's wrong?”

Olivia, catching the change in demeanor as well, cupped her daughter's face and locked eyes with Emma.

“Honey?”

Emma pulled away from her mother's grasp and crossed her arms in front of her chest. She contemplated her words for a moment before confessing.

“What if…”  She looked up and her gaze shifted back and forth between the concerned faces of each woman on either side of her. “What if you decide to make pancakes for someone else and there's no more left for me and mom?”

Natalia and Olivia locked eyes at that loaded question and both paused to think about the appropriate response.  Olivia, noticing Natalia apprehension, opened her mouth to offer an answer but was halted by the touch of Natalia's hand on her own.  The other woman tilted her head and silently petitioned with her eyes for Olivia to allow her to answer the question.  Olivia nodded in head in understanding.

Natalia carefully considered her reply and then reached over to take the little girl's hand into her own.

“I know a lot has happened in the past few months, Emma.  Sometimes, when so much changes in such a short amount of time, it can make you feel uncertain about a lot of things.  Your mother and I understand that more than you know.”

Olivia smiled at that statement and gave Natalia a wink of encouragement.

“But there's one thing that I can promise you will never change, okay.  I promise that I will never stop loving you, ever… and I promise you that no one, no one , will ever replace you or your mother in my life or in my heart.”

Emma looked up and stared at Natalia in a way only a child can do, making it seem as though she was reading Natalia's thoughts to determine if she was telling the truth. The scrutinizing gaze was quickly replaced by a cautious smile.

Emma replied tentatively, “Because we're a family?”

Olivia interjected and placed her hand on top of Natalia's that was currently holding onto Emma's little palm.

“And we always will be, Jelly Bean.”

With that, the cautious smile of the eight year old turned confident.  Natalia noticed the change in her appearance and offered up a silent prayer of gratitude that she was able get through to Emma without causing any more confusion.

Natalia smiled and continued, “There are a lot of things your mom and I need to talk to you about and I promise we will.  We just need to work a few things out first. Until then, can you just trust us?”

Emma nodded, “Okay.  Can we have a family day today then?”

Olivia looked to Natalia and she could tell that the other woman was more than happy to give in to request but was holding back her response to wait for Olivia's answer.

Olivia smiled in agreement. “We sure can, baby doll.  What did you have in mind?”

“How about the park? Derrick told me there's a new slide and then can we go for sundaes after that?”

Olivia feigned a look of deliberation and then caved. “Okay. You got it but, between the syrupy pancakes and the sundae, you're pushing maximum capacity on your sugar intake.  You're eating something green and leafy before that!”

“Awww.”

Natalia laughed and, taking pity on the little girl, offered a compromise.

“Tell you what, Em.  I'll make some leafy green salads for us for lunch with the apple slices and cran-raisin thingies you like and we'll have a mini-picnic in the park.”

“Yay!”

Olivia pulled her daughter close to her and placed a quick kiss to her cheek.  “Okay, Em.  Why don't you go upstairs and get all clean and fresh, okay? We'll get everything ready for our day of fun.”

Emma immediately jumped up from her seat and made her way upstairs to get ready.

Both women watched Emma bound out of the room and felt invigorated by her enthusiasm. Locking eyes, they took a moment to reflect on what had just transpired. Olivia reached out and took Natalia's hand into hers.  She turned the palm over and lightly stroked the softness she found there.

“Thank you…for what you said to Emma.”

“I meant every word, Olivia.”

“I know you did.”

Olivia smiled and her eyebrows arched, signaling a change in her disposition from serious to mischievous. “So how about getting a small advance on that ‘lifetime supply' of love you mentioned.”

Natalia furrowed her brow and tapped her index finger on her upper lip. Giving a look of mock consideration she replied, “I'm sure we can work something out.”

Now sporting a Cheshire cat grin, she pulled Olivia close to her and brought their lips together in a loving kiss, but the sensation was short lived. As much as the pleasant feeling urged them to continue, they ended the kiss knowing full well that Emma's penchant for bad timing could strike at any moment. 

Their heads pressed against one another, Olivia lightly traced the other woman's lips with her thumb.  “I guess you're right.  Everything does taste better with love.”

*****************************

Packed with their lunches and mini-picnic accessories, the trio set out on the Springfield streets and made their way to the park. Emma walked between the two women, holding the hands offered to her on either side. Feeling anxious as they approached the park, she started to run and drag the women along with her. As they turned the corner to reach the park entrance they came face to face with Buzz and Frank Cooper. 

Emma, ever innocent and unaware of underlying tension at this unexpected meeting, jutted out in front of the two women to engage the men in conversation.

“Hi, guys!  Me, mom and Natalia are going to the park.”

Frank offered an obligatory greeting. 

“Hi there, Emma. Natalia. Olivia.”

Olivia pulled Emma close to her in a protective hold.  While she was not actually concerned over her daughter's safety, the memory of the night before and Frank's frosty demeanor was still fresh in her mind and it made her instinctively defensive.  She offered a conciliatory comment to keep the conversation light.

“Frank, Buzz.  Beautiful day, isn't it?”

An uncomfortable silence lingered after those last words were spoken.  Buzz, looking between the two women and his son, realized that a standoff would ensue if he didn't break the pregnant pause that was lingering between them.

“That it is and a good day for the park.  Frank, we should-”

Before Buzz could finish his sentence, Frank interjected.

“Actually, since we're here, I would really like to speak with Natalia.  Alone.”  Frank punctuated that last word with a heavy tone and directed his gaze at Olivia as he said it.

Olivia, never one to miss a challenge, replied before Natalia could respond.

“You planning a repeat performance of last night, Frankie?”

“I wasn't asking you, Olivia.”

“I don't really care if you weren't.”

“Stop!”

Natalia's voice cut through the rising tension and silenced them both.  She turned to Olivia and squeezed her arm in reassurance. “It's okay.  I'll just be a few minutes and then we can get back to our day.  Okay?”

Olivia begrudgingly nodded her head in agreement.  She covered Natalia's hand with her own, gave it a gentle tap and then let go as Natalia walked off with Frank.

**********************************

Frank and Natalia walked further along the sidewalk until they felt they were a safe distance to speak privately.  Asking to speak with Natalia had seemed like a good idea just a moment ago, but now Frank found himself tongue-tied.  He could see that Natalia was nervous, her hand resting over her chest as she scratched an imaginary itch.  Realizing his suggestion for a chat was shortsighted, he decided to call off their spur-of-the-moment dialogue and relieve them both of the awkward situation but, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Olivia, standing tall and confident in the distance. Suddenly, his tongue untangled and he knew exactly what to say.

“This thing you have with Olivia isn't right.”

“Frank, I think I'm old enough to know for myself what is right and what is wrong.”

“I'm not talking about morals here.”

“Look, I know you're hurt, Frank, and-”

“Whether I'm hurt or not has nothing to do with it.  I'm talking about her.  Olivia can't give you what you need.  She's selfish and predatory and you don't know her like I do.”

“Actually, it sounds like you don't know her like I do.”

“Because I know how she really is.  She will use you like a toy and toss you aside when she gets bored. I've seen it-”

“Just stop!” Natalia interrupted what she was sure would have been a litany of Olivia's past sins. She covered her face with her hands and tried to regain her composure before she said something she didn't mean.  Taking a deep breath, she continued.

“You know something Frank?  I get it, okay.  I get that I haven't known her as long as you and that her history in this town doesn't exactly put her in line for the next humanitarian award, but the woman you just described isn't Olivia.  Not now… and it never really was her and you know that.”

Frank shook his head in disbelief and racked his brain in an effort to conjure up some argument that would break through to the woman who he believed was so woefully misinformed. 

Natalia could see that her words were only making him more frustrated. 

“What do you want me to say, Frank? I love her and she loves me.  She really does.”

He could see in her eyes that she was being sincere, but instead of easing his frustration, it only replaced it with dejection. “I loved you, too.”

“I know, I know, but it means something different with her.  I don't know why.  I can give you a hundred reasons why it shouldn't work with me and Olivia and another hundred reasons why it should have worked with me and you, but that's not what we are, even though I tried to make it that way, I really did.  All I ended up doing was hurting a good man and his family.”

“I'm getting tired of being called that.”

“What?”

“A good man? That's such a joke.”

“No, Frank, please.  I'm the one who-”

“It doesn't matter, Natalia.  I'm the one who bought into it.  I'm the one who wouldn't open his eyes.”

“You shouldn't feel bad about loving someone so much that-”

“So much that what?  You ignore the fact that when you look into her eyes to tell her you love her that she looks right through you to someone else.  That's not love, Natalia.  That's desperation.” 

“Well, if that's how you expect me to see you, I'm sorry, I just can't. Not the man who was so selfless that he was willing to marry me out of respect for my beliefs and who worked so hard to get my son released.  Not the man who bends over backwards for his family, who puts his life on the line every day at his job for the people of this town and doesn't even expect gratitude. That's not a desperate man. That's a man who wants and deserves happiness and I'm the person who took advantage of it.  So what does that make me?” 

Natalia's voice broke and she lowered her head to avoid showing her grief.   Frank couldn't ignore the look of pain he saw in her eyes.  His head told him to lash out, to make her feel the same pain that he felt when Doris Wolfe told him the truth, but his heart wouldn't let him, so he reached out with his hand and lifted her head to meet his eyes.

“Human.  It makes you human, Natalia, but I thought you were an angel.”

“I wanted to be one for you.  I really did.”

“I know.”

***********************************

Olivia watched as Natalia walked off with Frank.  She felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up and she instinctively knew that Buzz was drilling a hole into the back of her head with his eyes.  Not wanting Emma to be witness to any potential unpleasantness, she knelt down in front of her daughter and pulled her close.

“Emma, honey, why don't you head over to the park and Mommy we will meet you in a minute, okay?”

“Will you push me in the swing?”

“Yeah, baby, I'll push you in the swing. Go on.”

The moment Emma had run toward the playground, she stood back up and turned to face her antagonist.  Buzz jumped in right on cue.

“What do you think you're doing, Olivia.”

“I'm just spending the day with my family Buzz, why don't you do the same?”

“Family?  You call that a family? Something built on lies and deceit-”

“Stop right there.  Just stop, before you say something we both know you'll regret.”

“What do you know about regret? All you ever think about is yourself.”

Olivia was about to open her arsenal of insults, but she took a moment to calm her nerves and form a less combative response.

“Damn it, Buzz. What would you have done?”

“What do you mean?”

“What would you have done if you realized that you were in love with your best friend? I want to know, Buzz.  Please tell me, honestly, what you would have done if you woke up one day and realized you were in love with Josh or Billy or hell, even Alan?"

“That's ridicu-”

“Ridiculous, absurd, impossible?  You're right! It is ridiculous; it's ludicrous, but that's what happened to us.  And I can tell you right now that everything you think you would've done to avoid this and all those impulses you have that you think makes you better than me, I had them, too!  Every plan to avoid this situation, we tried it, and it all went to hell anyway.  So you can stand there and think you've got my number, and you can paint me as the big bad wolf in this situation if it makes you feel better. Hell, throw a scarlet letter on my chest so you can turn your world right-side up again, but you know what? It won't be enough. It won't make things right.”

She softened her voice before she continued. “You love your son and he's hurting and I'm the reason for it, so I get it.  I get that you need to just swing away at me right now, so have at it.”

Olivia took a second to move closer to Buzz to punctuate her next statement. 

“But there is something I want you to understand.  I will apologize to him, to you, your family, a million times if necessary for the pain I caused all of you, but I will never, ever , apologize for loving her.  Not to you, not to anyone.”

After that final word, she looked over to Natalia and made eye contact.  Frank, his head hanging in resignation, started to walk back toward his father and Olivia nodded her head to signal to Natalia that she would make her way toward her.  Before she did, she turned her head back to Buzz to make one more pressing statement.

“And another thing, don't you ever insult my family again. The bitch may not be back, Buzz, but she ain't dead either.”

Continued in Chapter VI