We Drifted For Months
by gilligankane
AUTHOR'S NOTE: this is set on the premise that Natalia did marry Frank
AUTHOR'S NOTE 2: title stolen from the Pablo Neruda poem "Drunk As Drunk"
Natalia marries Frank and it's snowing outside, the blanket of white settling onto the streets making everything look new again and someone, she'll never know who, calls out from the back of the church, calling it appropriate.
A new Springfield for the new couple.
Olivia gags in her mouth, but smiles when the photographer takes her picture and asks her to pose.
---
A month goes by and Olivia doesn't sleep.
Emma stares at her across the breakfast table in their chrome kitchen and watches her down coffee after coffee with wide eyes.
In her prayers at night, she can hear Emma whisper: and please, God, keep my mommy safe and healthy .
No one at the Beacon says a word about the bags under her eyes and the way she stops in the middle of her sentences, eyelids dropping shut softly. No one says anything about the way she locks herself in her office, avoiding daylight.
A month goes by and Olivia doesn't eat.
And Emma stares at across the dinner table at Towers or wherever they're eating out that night – never Company, even when Emma pouts – and watches her down martini after martini with wide eyes.
In her prayers at night, she can hear Emma whisper: and please God, stop my mommy from drinking too many of those things, because it only makes her sicker .
But it just makes her drink more, because she stopped believing in God a long time ago.
---
When they've been living in the new house – never a home, not to them – for six months, she falls out of bed during a nightmare and can't make herself stand up.
Her arms and her legs and her heart ache and she's been drinking too much and eating too little and it's just like before, when she had the operation and she couldn't even think for herself.
Except this time, Natalia is off playing Superhero for someone else.
Not for her; not anymore.
---
Olivia moves to San Francisco and it's raining, the water washing away all the mistakes of her past; washing away Phillip – but never Emma – and Alan and her lame attempt at Gus and Bill and Josh and Jeffery – but never Ava – and Frank and Buzz and when they land in The Golden State it's shining sun and heat that seems to tell her it's okay to start over.
Ava picks her up in the airport and smiles; tells her it's good to have her so close.
Olivia's never felt so far away from anything in her entire life.
---
A year goes by after that and she tries to date again, to please Ava and make Emma smile, but her dates never have enough caramel in their eyes or dimples in their cheeks or sweetness in their hearts and none of them pass inspection.
Emma stares at her from across the breakfast bar in their studio apartment and starts to ignore her after a while, as she stops drinking coffee all together.
And Emma doesn't pray anymore, because Olivia never really believed in God.
Natalia was really the only reason the little girl prayed anyway.
A year goes by after that and she starts to catch colds that she can't shake; colds that linger in the hollow of her throat and the corners of her smile.
Ava won't catch her eye across the table they eat lunch at every Wednesday, because she's afraid Olivia won't be there if she looks up one of these times and she just got her mother back for good now.
Emma doesn't pray anymore because Natalia is off living her own life, with her own family, while Olivia's family slowly dies a little more each day.
Natalia was the only reason they lived anyway.
---
The hospital calls, because she's still the first number on the short list of numbers – and the leaves on the runway stop her plane from taking off on time, cascading down onto the tarmac like a trail, like a path to where she needs to be.
She grips the armrest so tight that the woman next to her tells her that she'll be fine; tells her gently that flying is the safest way to travel and that they'll make it into San Francisco without any problems.
But the problem is what she'll face when she gets to San Francisco.
Natalia closes her eyes and mouths words she doesn't think about anymore, words she doesn't understand anymore, under her breath.
Please God, let her live for me .
---
A week goes by after she gets to the hospital and she finally turns her phone off when Frank keeps calling because she doesn't want to hear his voice or think about him and all she wants to do is see Olivia, even if Olivia doesn't want to see her.
Emma stares at her from across the waiting room, eyes focused only on her while the world rushes around them and Ava tries to get her to move or speak.
She prays, during the night when the waiting room is quiet, that in the morning she'll be able to go see Olivia, even if she knows it won't happen.
A week goes by after she gets to the hospital and she calls Rafe from a payphone and asks him to come get her, because she has no reason to be here anymore and because she threw her cell phone into her cup of cafeteria coffee when Frank filled her voicemail box after she told him she never really loved him that much at all.
Ava glares at her from the doorway of Olivia's room, standing guard and she tries to tell the young woman that she's given up; that she's going home, but Ava doesn't move even after Natalia sinks down into her seat and closes her eyes.
She prays, when Rafe finally arrives, that Olivia will live forever without her, even if she knows it's not true.
---
She's almost on the airplane when Ava comes running down the hallway, pushing over old ladies and kids with their electronic games, screaming her name until she stops.
Rafe stares at Ava, because he doesn't know this part of Olivia's life.
Ava stares at Natalia, because this is one part of Olivia's life that needs to be fixed, whether she understands it or not.
Natalia stares at Rafe, because her son isn't the biggest part of her life she needs to be redeemed for anymore.
The night before, she prayed that somehow, she could be given a second chance.
She was afraid God wasn't listening.
---
Natalia divorces Frank and the sun is shining in the Bay Area, filling the empty spaces that their words don't and somehow the silence feels okay, because Emma's laugh echoes through the studio and Ava's smile radiates off the mirrors and Rafe swears from under the kitchen sink as water gushes across the hardwood floor, asking out loud if the house they had their eye on was still on the market.
A new house for the new family.
Olivia smiles into Natalia's neck, winds her fingers through dark hair and passes Rafe the pliers with her free hand.